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The Abyss Gazes Back: A review of Eric LaRocca's AT DARK, I BECOME LOATHSOME

Writer's picture: Eli LaChanceEli LaChance

“Whether it's blatantly displayed or more discreet, every horror story is about power” - Eric LaRocca, At Dark, I Become Loathsome

You are not going to be okay. It's not a particularly revelatory realization when you stand back and consider it. Struggle as you may, the longer we live, the more loss we encounter until eventually meeting our end. Despite what anyone tells you, dignity probably has very little to do with it. If this is news, well, sorry kid. Thems the breaks, as they say. For many, this simple fact becomes cursed knowledge and ignites insanity. For others, it’s loss that breaks them, swallowing them in a blanket of darkness.


Eric LaRocca is an author known for crossing lines. Having a knack for pairing gripping titles with gorgeous covers. In a few short years LaRocca has carved out a distinct corner for themselves on the wonderfully crowded shelf of contemporary horror greats. Their debut novella Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke and novel Everything the Darkness Eats along with his short stories establish a reputation for transgressive, dark horror.


If the sophomore slump is a thing to believe(I don't) LaRocca skirts it delivering a triumphant, unique, obsidian jewel of a novel with a relentless, clear sighted tone and vision. At Dark, I Become Loathsome wants to infect you like a bad idea. It wants to crawl under your skin and flay you open to reveal what a disgusting thing you really are. Many authors aim for humanity's darkest impulses but LaRocca writes to kill. They invite you with their repetitious, poetic refrains, and measured philosophical ruminations to take part in the circus or revulsion reminding you of every bad idea, cruel thought, or any secret part of you that might let the darkness win.


Ashley Lutin is a loathsome thing. Struggling to cope with the death of his wife to cancer and loss of his kidnapped son, he has taken to an unusual vocation. Lurking online in forums, he finds the suicidal and aids them in a fake death ritual that includes being buried alive among other things. His clients find the experience liberating, akin to a rebirth. Try as he may to convince himself he remains on earth for this project and that it is doing some good, Ashley cannot fight the intrusive thoughts that worm into his brain like a sickness every night. Ashley repeats the refrain, “At dark, I become loathsome,” as he ruminates on how meaningless life truly is. Death is the end in Ashley’s mind, he takes no comfort in an afterlife and many pages are spent with him raging at the indignity that once he dies, there will be no reunion with loved ones. “Heaven is a dark room… There’s nothing for us there.” This thought, taken from one of the many bleak and disturbing stories Ashley ruminates on, is his reason to keep living. It’s not that he wants to, but he’s too afraid of the death he so dearly craves.


Ashley has good angels of course, hallucinatory memories of his dead wife and son try to steer back from the loathsome brink, but Ashley is too far gone. He’s transformed by his grief, literally, modifying his body and face with piercings and surgeries until strangers are uncomfortable with his appearance. As his hope of being reunited with his lost son diminishes, Ashley sinks further. Soon he entertains harming people, justifying it to himself as setting them free.


At Dark, I Become Loathsome is preoccupied with the way a person can be changed by environment, people, and experience. Ashley’s loathsome face is a manifestation of these things, his pain, his rage, the fucked up stories he reads online, the weird clients he deals with day in and day out that want death and are desperately looking for something to stay their hand. What’s most interesting to me about this book is the way Ashley’s pain makes him vulnerable to bad actors, but also the way he seizes on other’s pain and the way his rage and self loathing distorts that all and turns it into something horrifying. Ashley is a queer man, closeted and having spent a chunk of his life in a seemingly loving, genuine, heteronormative relationship and the psychology of a closeted queer man is rarely so intimately explored. Intentional or not, much of the way the internet brings the worst of the world to our fingertips and mind comes up in this book a lot as Ashley is multiple times presented with debaucherous stories seen online that further meld his warped psychology.


Cancer becomes a recurring symbol, as some secret twisted part of us, eating away until we're unrecognizable and lost.

Beneath the ruminations on death, the lack of an afterlife, and the sinister things people are capable of is a character unwilling to accept himself. This is less about grief and more about the corrupting influence of self-pity and more importantly, self loathing. Cruelty can be infectious, often, like a cancer, that disease is made by the host it destroys.


A book like Loathsome pushes readers to the limits. In enduring it you’re forced to see the wonder in the hideous, the way beauty can be grotesque, and the humanity in monsters. You’re forced to wrestle with the pitless void that exists within you and every living person. Good horror requires empathy, but it's truly special to get something so unwaveringly honest with subjects this bleak. Catharsis isn't all Loathsome has to offer. If you are brave enough to gaze into the abyss, you might come out the other end knowing yourself better. For the uninitiated, transgressive stories present a challenge, but for those of us that can't get enough, it's like a ritual, an exorcism. Like I said at the top, we're not going to be okay, but compassion, especially towards ourselves, might be the only thing to help us through. For that, you must know yourself.


Do not become loathsome.


At Dark, I Become Loathsome hit shelves this week from Blackstone Publishing. Below are links to order the book from two St. Louis bookstores that Nocturne Media is not affiliated with but firmly believes deserve your loving patronage.



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